Jeff Wilser's Maxims of Manhood: 100 Rules Every Real Man Must Live By is a guidebook for rookies who want to learn the perfect man etiquette. He's been researching his dogma for more than 25 years, ever since he felt the shame of breaking the "Never cry at the movies" rule -- he was 6; the movie was "E.T." This book is his atonement. In one of the book's more interesting harangues, Wilser voices his abhorrence for punctuation that projects unmanliness. If you thought the occasional emoticon or exclamation point was harmless, then you might want to think again.
Jeff Wilser's Maxim #51: No Exclamation Points or Emoticons!!! :-)
If a picture's worth a thousand words, a punctuation mark is worth the sum of a man's character. Is this because we adore grammar? Because we just frickin' love proper syntax? Because we give a damn about split infinitives?
No. This has nothing to do with grammar, and everything to do with not acting like a prepubescent girl. At the workplace -- or any place, really -- you should rarely press shift while pressing the "1" key. And never do this: :-)
You're skeptical. You're pulling back. You're unwilling to commit to this particular maxim. Really? What do exclamation points have to do with me?
Are you a sycophant or Humphrey Bogart? Find out after the jump.
The guy who abuses exclamation points is the guy who awkwardly claps co-workers on the back -- big hearty back slaps that make everyone uncomfortable. He's the guy who belly laughs at the boss's bad jokes.
Doesn't this look corny! And overeager! Like you're gunning for a promotion! All righty!
When you strip your e-mails of exclamation points, you sound less like a dweeb and more like Humphrey Bogart. You sound confident. Sure of your decisions. Whenever you think you need an exclamation point to convey the right tone, you're almost invariably wrong.
Let's try it.
"Have a good trip! ;)" becomes "Have a good trip."
The first was written by a kid. The second by a man.
"Nice work on the forecast!" becomes "Nice work on the forecast."
The first was written by a sycophant. The second by someone who doesn't give praise lightly, whose opinion carries weight.
Maxim in Action
In my former life as a marketing database analyst, I had a co-worker who used an exclamation point with every sentence. He sounded like he was on meth! No one liked the guy! Probably not coincidentally, he did the least work in the group!
One day we felt bad for the guy because he had some genuinely tragic news: His grandfather passed away. We comforted him. We felt for him. He e-mailed the larger group (50-plus colleagues) to tell them that he'd be out of the office to attend services.
Guess how he started the e-mail?
"Hi all: My grandpa passed away! I'll be out of the office for the funeral!"
Maxim Exceptions
Irony. At times, exclamation points are needed to underscore mocking, skewering or satire. Let's say you're bantering with a cute co-worker, and you're giving her hell for her awful taste in TV. Maybe you IM something like, "Right, I can't wait to see the new Hills!" If you dropped the exclamation point, she might think you're serious. That would be bad.
The only other exception: An exclamation point can also be used to represent a factorial. 5! would mean 5 x 4 x 3 x 2 x 1, or 120. And if you're in a workplace that uses factorials, chances are you're not impressing many women.
Jeff Wilser is a former USMC Reserves squad leader and has been a regular online contributer to sites like GQ, MTV and VH1, writing about dating, sex, nightlife and pop culture. He lives in New York City. Read more at Maxims of Manhood.
